Rough Week

It’s been longer since my last update than I’m comfortable with. I admire those who manage to blog consistently, no matter their mood or the demands of life. It’s inspiring—but honestly, I just can’t. Nothing catastrophic happened to me this week, but it’s been challenging.

As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve had a long struggle with mental health, particularly anxiety and eating disorders. At this point, I’ve decided to handle things on my own and avoid seeking treatment. I know there are professionals who could help or medications I could try, but after years of attempts since the 1990s, it doesn’t seem worthwhile anymore. I’ll admit there were a few times when treatment improved specific circumstances, but it never felt significant enough to justify the cost or frustration. Lately, I’ve been reading about the anti-psychiatry movement, and it’s been fascinating to learn there are people who feel the same disappointment or revulsion towards that industry.

There has been so much snow and cold weather everyday lately.  I actually love when everything is frozen outside, and I get to wear my most intensely warm knitted clothing, but it is definitely tiring and oppressive as the weeks drag on.  The snow that is plowed towards the edge of every parking lot in Central New York is at least 6 feet high by now. The snowflakes are beautiful drifting through the air but it gets tiring after so many days of the same unending view.

I haven’t been eating well, and I’m really unhappy with the number of calories I’ve consumed. NY winters make it hard to resist hot beverages and unplanned snacks. McDonald’s has been a weak spot I’m sad to say, I went a few times and am still trying to forgive myself. Their $0.99 coffee and $2 tea are hard to avoid when it’s freezing outside and they are so conveniently located in each area of town. The app makes it seem like a good idea to keep ordering! Somehow I doubt spending more money on grabbing something “better” would improve my mood.

Friday really sucked. I was stood up for an appointment at work, by someone who annoys me on a regular basis! They had taken the day off, but put in no effort to have me informed. I was watching out the window with anxiety waiting for them, unable to relax, hoping to handle our quick routine meeting without issue, as these sort of things we do together seem to go. I waited 20 minutes before starting to make calls and send messages wondering what’s up (I am very patient and understanding when people are late. I see what the roads look like outside even if I don’t drive on them, and I enjoy when I have some delay that gives me time to scroll on my phone), but it wasn’t until 2.5 hours later I was notified the meeting was off, and that I could move onto something else. It was so hard to relax for the rest of the day (and I still haven’t been able to let go yet, I hate that I’m still thinking about it). It’s not a huge deal but for some reason it is bothering me a lot.

Out of spite, I’ve been browsing Etsy for Wiccan curses or hexing plan. I know they probably don’t “work,” but imagining some bad vibes heading my coworker’s way has been oddly comforting.  This wasn’t the first incidence of them failing to plan in a way that ends up inconveniencing me, and while it’s not bad enough to escalate through professional channels, it’s cathartic to look at witchy wares. I’ll let you know if I go through with it! Back in the summer, I promised myself I’d “be more positive” during these dark and anxious moments, but clearly, I’m back to being a hater.

The recent wildfires in California have been heartbreaking to see on the news. Having experienced a small fire in my apartment building once, I can empathize with such loss. I know my experience was nothing like what has happened to people in CA though. The devastation of whole neighborhoods razed, rather than one neighbor’s unit being burned out, is horrifying!  If they rebuild anything other than concrete commie-blocks, though, it seems like they want and deserve to be burned down again. Fire is not a new phenomenon for the area, and the consequences of rebuilding in fire-prone areas is easy to imagine. I remember MIley Cyrus wrote a few songs about her Malibu home being lost to fire a few years ago. The blaze last week was certainly the worst incident, but this has been going on for a long time.  

Next week we get the new president in the USA and Trump has threatened to do so much hateful work from “Day 1” it’s very anxiety provoking. I am worried to see who gets deported first and how bad the abuse will be.  Workplace raids in the blue cities of red states, is something I’ve heard rumored, or soldiers being sent to disrupt industry in blue states. There isn’t going to be good news for a long time! Sometimes I doubt there will be another election. I made a few more concrete predictions for 2025 but popped them onto Bluesky instead of fleshing out a blog post this year. Someone commented I need to “lighten up” but I won’t, I simply cannot.

Not everything has been bleak! I finished a big knitting project and started a new cross-stitch sampler—something I’ve never tried before but am really enjoying. I broke out of my habit of re-watching favorite movies to try a few new ones this week too. The Fall Guy is what I’d recommend most, it’s streaming on Prime video and was highly entertaining.

I’m also looking forward to my daughter’s visit soon. We’ll probably watch more episodes of Project Runway, though I’m curious whether she’ll want to tune into the inauguration. I made deviled eggs for her, as has become our little tradition. She used to be a TikTok viewer and would sometimes show me very cute videos she had “saved” for my amusement (not sure what it was called on there, bookmarking or making a list)- she showed me people knitting or creating really amazing artwork, or cool ballet videos. I will miss that! She said she’s now joined the official Chinese version of the app, or something that’s similar, and claims it’s been a nice experience so far. As for myself, I was warned against using instagram (by a mental health worker) in the early aughts and never joined much social media beyond blogging or twitter (my old long time micro-blog)! The first thing I ever heard about TikTok was someone complaining about how much time they had wasted there- they said hours- and I have no problem finding plenty of things to look at online without getting another app. So I won’t be bothered by it’s ban, but am sorry if you’re losing a beloved time-waster app.

Concluding a blog post is the part I really struggle with and have allowed the AI assistant to guide me here: “I guess what I’ve learned this week is that I’m still figuring out how to balance negativity with positivity, comfort with discipline, and resilience with vulnerability. Maybe that’s okay. Some weeks just suck, but I’m trying to find small joys—whether in crafts, movies, or deviled eggs with my daughter. Here’s to a better week ahead.” Sounds inauthentic, and a bit cringey to me, but I’m glad to be done agonizing how to wrap up my post!  I hope my readers are as safe and well as possible.