I was so negative in my mindset the last time I posted on the blog. During the full Strawberry Moon and longest bright hot day of summer I decided to make some efforts toward keeping a more cheerful disposition and happy attitude going forward (if possible). My meditation habit is strong and consistent enough, and I’m also great at keeping up a daily exercise routine so it seems like I shouldn’t suffer with so much anxiety and pessimism. Sometimes I think I should take the advice to “smile more” to help mental health but it also seems highly cringey. So many times when I’m very happy and feel like “I love my life” and have gratitude for my amazing experiences- there is no smile that’s naturally occurring on my face. When I’ve forced it, too often smiling seems to attract attention and unwanted conversation. I’ve been out of mental health treatment for about 7 months now so maybe it’s not all up to my personal will whether I feel positive or not. Nobody can be happy and upbeat at all times, it’s something I really struggle to accept (imperfection).
Related to my inability to accept a defect- I re-did the sashiko embroidery on my jacket! I had patched a hole in it, but disliked how that looked. So I snipped through all my careful stitches and pulled off the patch, then ironed my denim jacket and tediously sewed the damaged area a second time. I put the fabric patch behind the hole instead, and like it better. It still bothers me that it’s imperfect though. Maybe I’m not a fan of wearing “visible mending” while I do enjoy patching and fixing things a lot. In the crafting world there is sometimes discussion of whether one is in it for the “project” or the “process”, and I never know where I stand. I did enjoy the process and flow state of sewing, both times! Will I wear this? Well it’s been like 85F or 30C lately so it’s hard to say.
My baby got coronavirus! She is an adult and usually stays healthy, but a month or so ago she caught the rona. She was an overdue baby in my uterus and now she’s in her mid-20’s and unfashionably late to contract that novel virus from years ago. She’s recovered now and seems not to suffer from any lingering symptoms as I’ve heard many people claim to have ongoing “long covid” after their infection. Mother’s Day has long passed but that was a lovely time, my child came to stay for a few days. She gave me some Baggu bags, they have adorable Sanrio characters printed on luxurious reusable shopping bags and packing cubes. She remembered I had admired them in a store when we were together, but I didn’t buy them, she is so thoughtful and helpful (Libra traits). Now I can carry groceries in such a cute bag, and my knitting projects are organized in a sweet zippered cube.
So far I’ve only read 19 books this year, and several were re-reads. I like to revisit things I remember liking, even if it takes away from my time towards learning something new, but through the rest of the year (while I am also still trying to protect my mental health and not to sink into hater mode) I want to look for the new and new-to-me books on my reading list. Amy Tan wrote a book The Backyard Bird Chronicles about wildlife in her yard that came out in April, so I’ll start it soon. Upton Sinclair wrote about 100 books in his lifetime so he is going to keep me busy for a while. That man is one of my recent discoveries (I’m sure everyone who was assigned in school already knows his writing is so powerful and insightful) so I finally decided to read his big hit The Jungle. It was every bit as gross and upsetting as I was warned, and surprisingly much more of a socialist message than the just “anti factory farming” which was the reputation I knew of. It’s not a complaint. The next one I’ve got planned will be Oil! About a thousand times I’ve seen upvoted redditors claim their all-time favorite novel is The Count of Monte Cristo, so for some reason I started to read that one (it might be a hate-read, and I might have to quit it). I’ve seen a few film or TV versions, it seemed fine but I wonder why the bandwagon of reddit really likes it. Is there some incel content within the text? Is it Christo-Fascist or Nationalist that endears the worst internet users to it as fans? It’s hard for me to tell yet, and I’m not sure I’ll make it through this old book.
I went to see the movie Civil War, that was a while back (reviews said it might be bad, but I liked it). Mainly I went because some maintenance was happening in my apartment that day but it was exciting and interesting so I’m glad that I decided to go. From watching the trailers I also wanted to go see the movie Abigail, the ballet inspired horror-comedy but it had already left the theater by the time I got around to looking at the schedule. My daughter and I went to see Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes in IMAX when that came out around Memorial Day. We love all the apes movies (aren’t we all primates, wow). The movie theater app used to annoy me and put me off going for the first few years when it came out, but I’m more comfortable with it now (though I do miss that human element of buying my ticket from a person, and choosing/moving my seat based on in-the-moment mood and vibes). Most recently I went to see Furiosa, it was excellent! I want to re-watch it but will wait for it to be streamed online (unless I find out someone in my life wants to go- my treat!).
There is a new store called DG Market that opened nearby not too long ago, it’s somehow related to the Dollar General chain of stores from what I’ve read online. Reviews suggest they only open in the worst, most blighted and ghetto areas of America so that is exciting to hear (to my mind, means that I live somewhere interesting with a vibrant energy) I already know it’s officially considered a “low income” generally impoverished city but the building was vacant for years (having housed a Walgreens pharmacy and similarly Rite Aid before that) in my opinion it’s great to have anything move in! Too bad their products are really crappy overall. My searches also revealed they’ve had several kinds of medicine that were recalled, and they have the lowest quality foods it’s legal to sell. I bought Zero Sugar Dr Pepper with Coconut from DG Market one day and it was honestly amazing, but I had to throw away the bag of oranges I got there too, they were foul. I got New Skin Liquid Bandage to try for the first time, and that seems to be working out for me (my thumb has a dry cracked area I’m trying to heal) but the bread I bought was appalling. It wasn’t the cheapest one they offered, and it wasn’t a problem like staleness or mold- just an overly processed and wack kind of cheap bread (it was $4). I usually shop for food from a natural co-op, or Wegmans, so I guess I’m spoiled by their fresh and healthy fare! I need to stop going into DG Market, but it’s hard to resist when the location is very convenient.
I’ve been under audit from a federal government agency for a few months, it really sucks. There isn’t much more I can say about it online either! I’ve been through this process before and came out on top, so hopefully the trend continues. I’m told these things are known to move slowly, and are done for everyone within my program at some point, so I’m not taking it personally. At first I was extremely anxious, but, at least for the moment, I feel like I don’t even really care what happens! Probably, everything will turn out fine. Statistically it’s likely the government will see everything has been in order and just go fuck off again! If the “worst” happens though and I get penalized somehow, booted from my position and/or fired (etc), I’m sure I’ll feel panicked again, but I’m trying to stay calm about it for now. I can continue living my life and find something else to do! Maybe I’ll be happier. Positive vibes only!!
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